Will a republican presidency completely outlaw Boxer Shorts?
Am I overboard on my fear of a Right Wing conspiracy against Boxer Shorts?
In recent news vitally important to the survival of the planet, an Associated Press story from suburban
The passage of the law was precipitated by young men who the fearless leaders believed wore their baggy pants too low, thereby exposing large areas of their boxer shorts. I’m guessing that enforcement will be lax as policemen will be understandably reluctant to go around shoving a tape measure into young men’s pants to measure anything.
The mayor of Lynwood asserts that, “Young men walking around with low-hanging pants showing their underwear is ruining economic development and keeping major retailers away.”
I’m sure that this is an important criteria for Wal-Mart Corporation‘s site selection for new store locations. They undoubtedly have teams of scouts scouring small towns all across America to keep tabs on the dressing habits of ordinary citizens.
Underwear Scout, reporting to Wal-Mart following a road trip and an extensive study of clothing habits in the Greater Chicago area: “No, Lynwood is out! We can’t possibly open a store in Lynwood; it’s out of the question!”
Leaning forward, he whispers into the ear of the executive, “They wear their pants too low!”
The executive gasps in astonishment, nods in agreement and replies, “No, I quite agree, it would go against everything we stand for. Lynwood is out.”
Many communities across the country have tried almost everything to keep Wal-Mart out of their towns. Their efforts are nearly always futile. How did they overlook this tactic for so long?
The answer was right there all along, just have everyone in town wear their pants low and show everyone their boxers — a small price to pay to protect local businesses and avoid the tacky clutter of suburban sprawl and keep that small town feel that everyone longs for when it’s gone.
But if the village leaders are still hell bent on development, they need to do some creative thinking, not pass silly, unenforceable laws that irritate citizens and take policemen away from important duties.
There’s a forgotten army the mayor could easily recruit in his never-ending battle against the Axis of Evil in Lynwood — low-hanging pants and boxer shorts.
You know who they are. You probably have one in your family. Yes, I’m talking about the old guys who wear their pants pulled up to their chests. These guys are everywhere. They greatly outnumber the low-hanging pants guys.
So, Mayor, when the low-hanging pants guys have a protest, marching up Main Street to the Village Square while holding up their pants with one hand, start the old guys, with pants up to their armpits, marching up Main Street to the Village Square from the other direction.
Think of the hundreds of spectators there to witness the young guys with low-hanging pants meeting head-on the old guys with their pants up to their armpits. You could feel the tension crackling in the air — before everyone starts laughing.
You could set up booths around the square and sell food, drinks and printed boxer shorts commemorating the event, all to raise money for charity.
Whatever happens in Lynwood now, I bet that in 50 years, all the young guys will be spending winters in Florida, driving 10 miles an hour, eating supper at 4 p.m. and wearing their pants up to their armpits.
Holiday Boxer Shorts - Christmas, Halloween, Valentines, St. Patricks day, Fathers day, Golf, Paintball, Fantasy Football, Fantasy Baseball
